Even with the best intentions, you and others may have different opinions and ideas on matters. This may lead to a conflict situation where both of you feel angry, upset, misunderstood or helpless. The following suggestions may help you resolve differences so that you may continue with the relationship in an effective way.

Some basic truths of conflict resolution:

• Conflict is natural and inevitable.
• Perspectives are not right or wrong.
• There are many ways to manage every conflict.
• All people need control, respect, fairness, and space.
• We often have the ability to influence others; we rarely have the ability to control them.

Types of Conflicts

Intrapersonal – within the person. Examples are: moral dilemma, making a decision.

Interpersonal – between two or more individuals. Examples are: siblings disagreeing over using the car, boyfriend and girlfriend arguing, or difficulty with co-worker.

Intragroup – between individuals within a group. Examples are: club raising money and cannot agree how to allocate it.

Intergroup – between groups. Examples are: clubs disputing who gets to use a particular facility for an event.

Positive and Negative Aspects of Conflict

Negative aspects:

• Conflict can lead to negative feelings between the parties involved.
• Can lead individuals or groups to close themselves off from one another (sets a bad precedent for future dealings with the conflicting party).
• Can waste time and energy if poor conflict style is used.

Positive Aspects:

• Forces the parties involved to examine a problem and work toward a solution.
• Can help people to gain new information and new ways of looking at things – can force us to explore new ideas.
• When it occurs in groups, working together to solve a problem can increase cohesiveness within the group.
• Confronting and wanting to solve a problem indicates a concern, commitment, and a desire to preserve the relationship.

Making it Better, Making it Worse

Conflict will usually ESCALATE when:

• Bystanders become involved and take sides
• One or both parties feels threatened by the other
• There is no interest or investment in maintaining the relationship
• There is an increase in the acting out of anger, fear, or frustration (indirect expression)
• Important needs involved are not acknowledged or met

Conflict will usually DECREASE when:

• Those involved focus on the problem instead of each other
• Emotions of anger, fear and frustration are expressed directly rather than demonstrated indirectly.
• Threats are eliminated.
• Needs are openly discussed and acknowledged.

Conflict Styles

Controlling – “hard bargaining” or “might makes right”
Pursuing personal concerns at another’s expense. Competing can mean “standing up for your rights,” defending a position which you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.

Potential Uses: When immediate action is needed; when you believe you are correct.

Potential Limitations: Intimidates people so they are afraid to admit problems and give you important information.

Collaborating – “negotiating” or “two heads are better than one”
Working with someone by exploring your disagreement, generating alternatives, and finding a solution which mutually satisfies both parties.

Potential Uses: Learning from another’s perspective, helpful when you need a decision that addresses the concerns of both parties.

Potential Limitations: Not as helpful for minor decisions or when time is limited.

Compromising – “splitting the difference”
Seeking a middle ground by splitting the difference; the solution partially satisfies both parties.

Potential Uses: When all else fails; for fast decision making on minor disagreements; when two parties of equal strength are committed to mutually exclusive goals.

Potential Limitations: Losing sight of larger issues and values and possible not pleasing anyone.

Accommodating – “Soft bargaining” or “Killing your enemy with kindness”
Yielding to another person’s point of view; paying attention to their concerns and neglecting your own.

Potential Uses: When you see that you are wrong; when you want harmony or credits toward a more important issue.

Potential Limitations: You may not ever get your concerns addressed.

Avoiding – “Leaving well enough alone”
Not addressing the conflict, either by withdrawing from the situation or postponing the issues.

Potential Uses: When confronting is too dangerous or damaging; when an issue is unimportant; when a situation needs to be “cooled down”; or when you need more time to prepare.

Potential Limitations” Issues may never get addressed.

Improving Conflict Skills:

Once you have determined your goal and your style of conflict, you may now wonder how you can have the conflict go as you planned. Conflict resolution is highly dependent upon good communication skills. Being an active listener tends to result in effective communication and conflict resolution.

Things that impede communication:

• Ordering someone to think/do something
• Threatening
• Preaching/lecturing
• Judging
• Providing advice/solutions that were not requested/desired
• Forcing your opinions onto someone

Things that improve communication:

• Open-mindedness
• Accepting different opinions as valid
• Seeing others as equals with equal right to be heard
• Showing empathy and respect
• Listening carefully and actively

Conflict Resolution Process

Before the confrontation (to do on your own). Ask yourself:

• What specifically concerns me about this conflict?
• How does this affect me?
• Why is this important to me?
• What would make this situation better for me?

During the Actual Confrontation - Set the tone

• State positive intentions and have a positive attitude.
• Acknowledge and validate the other party.

Discuss and define the problem

• Take turns, with each party getting equal time to speak and each party spending equal time actively listening.
• Use productive listening and speaking techniques.
• Identify each side’s interests and needs.
• If necessary, discuss assumptions, suspicions, and values.

Summarize new understanding

Brainstorm alternative solutions

• Determine the advantages and disadvantages of each possible solution; consider consequences; be realistic.
• Choose solutions that are mutually satisfactory to all parties.
• Make sure the solutions are specific and balanced/fair.

Plan for follow-up

• Agree to evaluate the solutions and the consequences thereof at a later date, to make sure the solutions are working for all parties.

Other Useful Sites:

Roommate Conflicts - University Housing

How to Live with Your Roommate (St. Josephs)