When Doing the Talking

• Be aware of your motivation. Know why you are beginning the conversation and what you want to accomplish.
• Use "I" language.
• Limit your conversation to one concern at a time. Discussions are often a form of criticism so be careful not to overwhelm your listener.
• Choose the right time and place. Select a time and location (neutral turf) where there will not be interruptions, as well as, one in which you feel emotionally calm.
• Temper criticism with praise. Always begin the conversation on a positive note and then move into the issue at hand.
• Nurture small steps towards change. Change takes time so be patient. When you notice a change praise the other person.
• Make specific requests. Share with the listener exactly what you want and/or expect.
• ·Avoid "why" questions. "Why" puts people on the defense and is perceived as negative criticism. Rewording the question can be tricky but also save a lot of unnecessary arguing.
• Express anger appropriately. Make certain you direct your anger toward the behavior or issue, not the person.
• Listen. Pay close attention to the response(s) you receive. Then, think about what you want to say next before you actually open your mouth.

When Doing the Listening

• Empathize with the communicator. You don’t have to agree but express you care.
• Paraphrase. Repeat back to the communicator what you heard in your own words.
• Acknowledge the concern and find something to agree with. This does not mean you are saying the other person is right but rather that you understand the concern.
• Ask clarifying questions. If you are confused, ask questions.
• Express your feelings. Let the other person know how you feel about what has been shared.
• Focus on future changes. You will both likely need to make some changes so discuss them and come to an agreement.

Remember, in conversation to always…

• Maintain eye contact.
• Be aware of non-verbal messages. If you find someone looking away, fidgeting, avoiding feedback, yawning, or behaving in any way that clearly says, "I’m not listening," end the conversation and arrange a better time to meet and try again.
• Provide feedback. Express you are listening by paraphrasing or sharing your feelings.
• Support the other’s effort. Give them a smile, a nod or perhaps some words of encouragement like "I’m listening, continue."
• Express unconditional positive regard. Explain that know matter what is said, you will respect the other for their honesty and willingness to communicate.

For more information regarding communication