When Doing the Talking

• Be aware of your motivation. Know why you are beginning the conversation and what you want to accomplish.
• Use "I" language.
• Limit your conversation to one concern at a time. Discussions are often a form of criticism so be careful not to overwhelm your listener.
• Choose the right time and place. Select a time and location (neutral turf) where there will not be interruptions, as well as, one in which you feel emotionally calm.
• Temper criticism with praise. Always begin the conversation on a positive note and then move into the issue at hand.
• Nurture small steps towards change. Change takes time so be patient. When you notice a change praise the other person.
• Make specific requests. Share with the listener exactly what you want and/or expect.
• Avoid "why" questions. "Why" puts people on the defense and is perceived as negative criticism. Rewording the question can be tricky but also save a lot of unnecessary arguing.
• Express anger appropriately. Make certain you direct your anger toward the behavior or issue, not the person.
• Listen. Pay close attention to the response(s) you receive. Then, think about what you want to say next before you actually open your mouth.

When Doing the Listening

• Empathize with the communicator. You don’t have to agree but express you care.
• Paraphrase. Repeat back to the communicator what you heard in your own words.
• Acknowledge the concern and find something to agree with. This does not mean you are saying the other person is right but rather that you understand the concern.
• Ask clarifying questions. If you are confused, ask questions.
• Express your feelings. Let the other person know how you feel about what has been shared.
• Focus on future changes. You will both likely need to make some changes so discuss them and come to an agreement.

Remember, in conversation to always…

• Maintain eye contact.
• Be aware of non-verbal messages. If you find someone looking away, fidgeting, avoiding feedback, yawning, or behaving in any way that clearly says, "I’m not listening," end the conversation and arrange a better time to meet and try again.
• Provide feedback. Express you are listening by paraphrasing or sharing your feelings.
• Support the other’s effort. Give them a smile, a nod or perhaps some words of encouragement like "I’m listening, continue."
• Express unconditional positive regard. Explain that know matter what is said, you will respect the other for their honesty and willingness to communicate.

For more information regarding communication contact Health Promotion or the Counseling Center.