All
of us experience the loss of a loved one or friend at some point
in our lives, and each of us is affected by that loss. Loss can be
a death of someone you care about, end of a relationship, moving
to a new area, loss of a pet, or a serious illness. Our individual
reactions may differ. After the loss of a loved one or
friend, a
normal process of grieving takes place. Often grieving takes place
in stages. Different emotions are experienced during different stages
of this process. The stages of grieving are different for each person.
Some of the emotions that can be part of this grieving process are:
Shock, which protects you from the impact of the death for awhile;
Anger, which may be experienced at being let down by the person
who died or when you are looking for someone to blame for the
death;
Depression, or feelings of isolation and loneliness;
Guilt, what didn't you do to save the person;
Denial, a process of not allowing feelings to come to the surface;
Fear, not understanding the grieving process;
Sadness, an overwhelming sense of loss;
Anxiety, an inability to concentrate which can become so severe
that one cannot function;
Relief, because of the end of suffering the loved one has endured;
and
Longing, a sense of wanting everything to return to what it had
been.
Not everyone experiences the same feelings or stages, nor with
the same intensity. There is no one "right way", no
necessary order to stages, nor is there a correct time period
for this process.
Grieving may progress over a period of two years or even longer,
depending on many individual factors, such as depth and length
of relationship with the loved one or friend. The grieving process
usually consists of the following stages. Note that not everyone
goes through all these stages.
Denial and Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying
or the death of a loved one/classmate. As a result you will deny
the reality of death. However, this denial will gradually diminish
as you begins to express and share your feelings about death
and dying with other students or friends.
Anger
During this stage the most common question asked is "why me?".
You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death
and you may project and displace your anger unto others. When given
some social support and respect, you will eventually become less
angry and able to move into the next stage of grieving.
Bargaining
Many students try to bargain with some sort of diety. They probably
try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their
lives in exchange for the return of health or the lost person.
Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn't
do prior to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept your humanness.
Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations
and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes
time for you, the grieving student, to gradually return to your
old self and become socially involved in what's going on around
you.
Factors That May Interfere with Resolving Your Grief:
Avoiding your emotions
Over-activity to the point of exhaustion
Using alcohol or other drugs to mask the grief
Unrealistic promises made to the deceased
Unresolved grief from a previous loss
Judgmental relationships
Acting resentful to those who try to help
Coping with Loss
TASK I: TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE LOSS.
Coming to terms with
the fact that there was a loss is often the hardest task for the
mourner. People may try to protect themselves from reality by denying
that the loss occurred. It is very normal to hope that you can
reverse the situation, however, for most people this is a short-lived
illusion and once they accept that they have suffered a loss, they
are able to move on to the second task.
TASK II: TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF GRIEF.
It is necessary to acknowledge
and work through both the emotional and behavioral pain associated
with loss or it will manifest itself through symptoms or other
forms of aberrant behavior. Very often you may be confronted with
people who can not deal with your situation and therefore give
you the messages, "You don't need to grieve," or "You
should be over this by now." This reinforces your own defenses,
leading to the denial of the need to grieve. By not working through
the pain you are telling yourself not to feel, when you should
allow yourself to experience the pain?to feel it and to know that
one day it will pass.
TASK III: TO ADJUST TO THE ENVIRONMENT IN WHICH THERE
WAS A LOSS.
The coping strategy where is to re-define the loss in such a way
that it can work to your benefit. For example, losing your job
may mean that you are temporarily unemployed, but it may also be
a perfect opportunity for you to change careers, go back to school
or travel. Failure to adapt to your loss can be crucial. Often
times people will work against themselves by promoting their own
helplessness, by not developing the skills they need to cope or
by withdrawing from the world and not facing up to reality.
TASK IV: TO WITHDRAW EMOTIONAL ENERGY AND REINVEST IT
IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.
This final task in the grieving process requires
emotional withdrawal from the loss so that this emotional energy
can be reinvested in another aspect of your life. Many people find
this difficult to do because of the risk of re?investing their
emotions and energy in another relationship which might also end
in a loss. Although this is often the most difficult task to accomplish,
once completed, life can be full and rewarding again.
Other Useful Links:
Life
after Loss: Dealing with Grief (U Texas at Austin)
The
Grieving Process (SUNY Buffalo)
Grief (U Cincinnati)
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