If
you know a student in distress - whether a student in your class,
a roommate, teammate, or friend - you may be able to help. The following
information and tips are offered to help you be a good helper.
COMMON CAUSES OF DISTRESS
- Family problems or other interpersonal difficulties (for example:
conflicts, illness or death of someone important to the student,
divorce, abuse).
- Problems with a romantic partner or spouse (for example: sexual
problems, communication problems, abuse, coping with a partner
in distress for any of the reasons listed here).
- Financial difficulties (for example: juggling work and school,
providing for dependents, economic hardship in family/country
of origin).
- Significant changes in circumstance (for example: adjusting
to a new place, new people, and/or a new life situation).
- Academic or work difficulties (for example: trouble getting
to work or class, poor grades or performance reviews, over-placement,
interpersonal conflicts with authorities or peers).
- Over-commitment, performance anxiety.
- Depression.
- Grief or loss.
- A traumatic event or situation.
- Problems with alcohol or drugs.
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COMMON SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS
- Significant changes in eating, sleeping, grooming, spending,
or other daily activities.
- Significant changes in performance or involvement in academics,
sports, extracurriculars or social activities.
- Acting significantly withdrawn, volatile, tearful, or odd.
- Acting out of character, differently than usual.
- Talking explicitly about hopelessness or suicide.
- Difficulty
concentrating, difficulty carrying on normal conversation.
- Excessive dependence on others for company or support.
- Feeling out of control of one's emotions, thoughts, or behaviors.
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HOW TO HELP SOMEONE GET HELP
Let the student know why you are concerned about them in terms
of the student's own worries or needs.
For example:
"I often hear you mention your worries about X, and I think
that's something you are right to be concerned about."
"It seems from our recent conversations that this is something
you really need to talk about."
"When you mention that you are thinking of suicide, I know
it concerns you and it concerns me, too."
Let the student know what they will gain from meeting with a counselor.
For example:
" I think you will find it very helpful to discuss all
this with someone impartial, someone who can help you sort out
your thoughts
and feelings."
" This is just the thing to consult with a counselor about
- a counselor will know more about this than either one of us."
"You and I just don't have enough time together to address
these concerns the way they deserve, and I think you'd get
a lot out of talking them over with someone at greater length."
Avoid labeling the student or their behavior.
For example:
Don't
say "You're depressed," or "You have an eating disorder," or "You
should be in therapy." Labeling, whether accurate or inaccurate,
can frighten or discourage a student from getting help. And remember
that different families and cultures have different ways of expressing
their distress; what looks strange to you may be "normal" for
the other person.
Reassure the student that making a referral isn't a rejection.
For example:
"Even though you will be talking with your counselor about
this, I want us to keep in touch about how things are going
for you."
"Come back and let me know how your meeting with the counselor
goes -- you don't have to tell me details, but I'd like to
know that you've found someone helpful to speak with."
Offer to keep the student company while they call for an appointment,
or to call on behalf of the student while they are sitting there
with you. Offer to come with the student to their first appointment.
Suggest that the student learn more before making an appointment
and refer the student to our web site, which has information
about all our services as well as links to helpful web sites
on a variety
of topics.
Let the student know what to expect if they come talk with a counselor.
For example:
Counselors are here to help all students make the most of their
university experience - consulting a counselor doesn't mean you
are "crazy" or "sick."
The student can either call or stop by the Counseling Center
to make a first appointment or "intake," which can
usually be scheduled within a few days - if it's an urgent situation,
the
student should say so, and they will be seen sooner.
In a first appointment, the student will discuss with the counselor
the situation or feelings that are troubling them, and what sort
of assistance the student might find helpful. The counselor and
student will work together to locate and access whatever the student
needs, whether that is a brief consultation, ongoing counseling,
a specialized treatment program, a support group, psychiatric medication,
etc.
All discussions and records at the Counseling Center are confidential.
For more information on the nature and limits of confidentiality,
call the Counseling Center at 515-2423 or view the information
on the webpage.
Follow up with the student.
For example:
Ask the student to let you know how their appointment went (you
don't need to know details, just that they found someone helpful
to talk with).
Remember that the student's contact with the Counseling Center
is confidential, so the student's counselor will not be able to
give you any information without the student's explicit permission.
If you hear that the student's appointment with a counselor wasn't
helpful, invite the student to make an appointment with a different
counselor, or to bring their concerns to the attention of the Director
so a better match can be made.
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IF A STUDENT IS TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE OR VIOLENCE OR IS
BEHAVING IN SELF-HARMING OR VIOLENT WAYS
It's never a good idea to ignore a student's comments or behavior
regarding suicide or violence. You should not assume that these
will pass, that the student is only kidding, or that the student
just "wants attention." If you are not comfortable bringing
your concerns to the student or you feel the student is not responding,
bring your concerns to a professional helper in your community
(your Dean, your Residence Area Director, a Counseling
Center counselor, Campus Police, etc.).
Similarly, it is never a good idea to assume that all a student
needs is your sympathy and support. A student who talks or behaves
in suicidal or violent ways certainly needs your sympathy and support,
but that may not be all they need. Students who are unable to control
their feelings or impulses may also require counseling and/or medication.
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IF YOU ARE NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
If you are wondering whether or how to bring up the issue of a
referral with a distressed student, or you have already suggested
it but the student is not responding, feel free to call and consult
confidentially with a Counseling Center counselor, 515-2423.
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A FEW WORDS ABOUT BEING A GOOD HELPER
Monitor your own reactions/feelings. It can be stressful to interact
with someone in distress. In addition to feeling that you want
to help, you may find yourself feeling helplessness, fear, frustration
or anger, empathy (feeling the other's sadness, anger, hopelessness,
etc.), impatience, or "compassion fatigue." Helpers need
support, too; call the Counseling Center, 515-2423, to arrange
for a confidential consultation with a counselor.
Recognize your limits. It is not your responsibility to solve
the problem for the other person, but rather to try to help them
solve it or help them get help. Remember that although you may
be a special and irreplaceable helper for this person in some ways,
there are also other caring helpers available who may offer forms
of help that you cannot.
Don't give someone in distress an absolute promise to
keep a secret. It is not unusual for someone in distress to be concerned about
their privacy and self-control, and to ask you to promise to keep
what they tell you a secret. The problem is that if you agree to
such a promise, you may put yourself in a terrible dilemma: it
may be that in order to seek out essential - perhaps life-saving
- support for you or the student, you will have to betray that
promise.
Promise the student that you are a trustworthy person, who cares
about their well-being and their autonomy, and won't divulge a
confidence unless you have no other choice. Promise them that if
they want to share something very personal with you, you will do
everything you can to safeguard it and help them deal with whatever
it is. Promise them that you won't divulge their secret to anyone
without talking it over with the student first. Promise them that
you value their confidence in you and won't use anything they tell
you to hurt them. But try not to give an absolute promise to keep
a secret.
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A FEW WORDS ABOUT "ENABLING"
Be aware that your helping behavior may either positively or negatively "enable" a
distressed student. Positive enabling happens when you respect
a student's views and struggles, while working to help the student
solve their problems and get the help they need. Negative
enabling happens when you allow or accept a student's problematic perceptions
or behaviors and fail to question or challenge them, with the result
that the student doesn't get the help they need. With either kind
of "enabling," your efforts may not change the way the
student is seeing things or result in the student getting help
-- but negative enabling will almost certainly prolong the student's
difficulties. Here are some common situations and examples of negative
enabling and positive enabling:
Situation 1. The student repeatedly minimizes a serious problem.
For example, the student says, "It's really no big deal." "It's
none of your business." "I don't want to bother anyone
with this - other people have much bigger problems."
Negative enabling --
Agreeing or being silent; allowing the student to avoid dealing
with a significant problem.
Positive enabling -
" I understand you don't think it's a big deal, but I want
you to know I think it's a big deal. If you ever want to talk
about it,
I'll try to help you out."
" Sometimes it helps to talk with a counselor even about
'small deals.' If you want to make an appointment, I'll walk
over there with you."
" It's my business only in that I care about you and hate
to see you in distress. I know it's not my problem, but if it
would help
to talk things out, let's go out for a cup of coffee."
Situation 2: A distressed student wants to repeatedly "vent" to
you about a problem but will not seek more appropriate help. For
example, a student consistently says, "I can't talk with anyone
else, you're the only one I trust." "Tell me what to
do." "I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to be
alone, I just want you to stay here with me."
Negative enabling --
Agreeing or being silent; allowing the student to depend on you
for things they eventually will have to do themselves or for things
that they need to rely on others for.
Positive enabling -
"I'm glad you trust me, because I want to help. That's
why I am telling you we need to consult with a counselor to help
you
figure out what to do."
"It seems like this is an issue that really deserves the
time you are devoting to it, but I can't stay up any later
talking with you or I'll fall asleep in class tomorrow. Why don't
you switch
to writing in your journal now, and I'll meet you tomorrow
for breakfast."
"The strong feelings you are experiencing - being afraid
to be alone, wanting me to solve this for you, feeling desperate
- are all indications of how important an issue this is for
you. I think a consultation with a counselor will help you cope
with
it all. Shall we call and make an appointment?"
Situation 3: A distressed student repeatedly lies, fails, or hurts
someone (including you) because they themselves are hurting. "I
can't help it, I'm so angry/helpless/sad." "I was drunk,
that's all, it didn't mean anything." "I know I said
I'd be there, but I was too hung-over to move."
Negative enabling -
Agreeing or being silent; allowing the student to "act out" their
distress rather than facing it and dealing with it.
Positive enabling -
"I want you to know that what you did was hurtful/alarming/dangerous
in ways I don't think you really intended. If you are getting
so angry/drunk that you can't keep from behaving in hurtful/alarming/dangerous
ways, it's time for you to call for some help."
"As your friend, I need to tell you that what you did hurt/alarmed/frightened
me. And made me concerned about how you're doing. Can we talk
about it?"
Situation 4: A distressed student "blackmails" you. For
example, a student says, "I won't tell you unless you promise..." "If
you were my friend you'd .... (lie for me, keep my secret, talk/stay
with me for as long as I need, do my schoolwork/housekeeping for
me, etc.)" "I'll never speak to you again if you don't...."
Negative enabling -
Agreeing or being silent; allowing the student to manipulate your
good will in ways that ultimately don't help you or the student.
Positive enabling -
"As your friend I am telling you I won't lie for you, but
I'll stand by you while you face this."
"I value our friendship and I want to be a good friend to you. Can
we find a creative alternative? How about if I keep you company
while you... How about if... ."
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