Information for Parents

Student Health Center : Counseling Center : Information for Parents

They got in… Now What? A Guide for Parents

Everyone knows that college is a time for change and transition, for both students and parents. Regardless if you son or daughter is the first, last, or only child to go to college, or even if she or he will commute from home, things are about to change.

Although your daughter or son’s reactions to leaving for college will depend on their age, experience, and prior level of independence; and your own reactions will depend on your relationship with your student, your family’s style and your personality, there are many common things you can look out for.

Have a Question? - Visit our Frequently Asked Questions by Parents Page

Things to expect from your student:
She or he…

is adapting to a new environment including:
- unfamiliar geography
- different standards of conduct
- new people
- higher academic expectations
will be fine-tuning decision making skills and learning greater self-discipline
- time management becomes essential
- deciding where to invest energy
- learning to say “no”
will be meeting greater academic demands than ever before
- work load is much higher
- must learn to prioritize
- must learn to manage stress
will be clarifying values
- there will be many new experiences and opportunities available
- they will be exposed to a new peer group
will be attempting to adjust to separation and may experience homesickness
- students may miss high school friends or dating relationships from high school
- students often miss the comforts of home and their family (at least at times!)
- students will search for some stability and some certainty
will be forming new relationships
- new friends
- new dating relationships
- resolving old friendships and old dating relationships

Students often have some common concerns as they come to college. Without addressing these concerns and having appropriate support, students may develop a high degree of stress which may negatively impact their personal and academic development.

Common Concerns:

Fear of failure
"Imposter’s Syndrome" (I’m not supposed to be here)
Feeling different than other students
Difficulty choosing a major (or pressure to do so)
Procrastination and time management
Handling new freedoms
Understanding the college system (paperwork, processes)
Work load is challenging
Financial concerns or difficulty managing money
Feeling or fearing a lack of support from family
Alienation from family and friends at home (what am I missing while I’m here)

What You Can Do to Help Your Student:

	Try to understand that your student’s view of the world is expanding and that some things might change; sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently.
	Work on building an adult relationship with your student. Allow him or her to control the length of phone calls; ask how often they would like you to call, or give them a calling card so that they can call you whenever they want. It is important to call sometimes so they know you are there for them, but allow them some control in these interactions. If you need some solid time to talk to them, have them set up a time where you can have an uninterrupted discussion. E-mails and letters can be a nice way to connect too, but don’t always expect a prompt reply back!
	Send care packages, including goodies, and fun things that you know they enjoy that they may not be able to get in Raleigh or may not be able to afford if on a limited budget.
	Visit during Parent’s Weekend to show your support and allow them to show off their friends and their college to you. Don’t expect to spend every second with them, ask them to help plan the weekend with you so they have some say in this too. They will be happier to see you if they feel you are being supportive by being there for them rather than “invading their life” for forty-eight hours.
	Offer support to your student. When your student calls with a concern, take in the information and try to avoid offering solutions. Usually the student wants an ear to listen, and often doesn’t want or need you to solve the problem. Let she or he just share their experience with you.
	Don’t ask a question if you can’t handle the answer. Try to be nonjudgmental in your responses. If the student feels you are judging them, they will be less likely to share information with you the next time they have a concern.
	Talk to your student about your concerns, but do not get overly emotional or they may avoid talking to you due to guilt or worry about your feelings.
	Discuss important issues like money, credit cards, drugs, smoking and alcohol before your student comes to school. The university offers consequences for alcohol and drug use when appropriate; however, you can be clear about your thoughts on the matter as well.
	The University attracts bright students from all over the world, and not every freshman who excelled academically in high school will be an all-A student here. Developing or refining the capacity to work independently and consistently and to demonstrate mastery can be more important than grades, as long as the student meets the basic academic requirements set out by the University. Again, these are choices that each individual student makes, though certainly it is appropriate to help your child set his or her own long-term goals.
	Be realistic as well about academic achievement and grades. Remember that NCSU has many resources with caring, friendly people, available to help with almost any situation. Send your student to the right staff person to get some assistance, we’re here to help!
	It can be frustrating, but now that your son or daughter is an adult, you may not have access to all of the information you’d like, even if you are footing the bill for college. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your student because you may not always have access to information from university sources due to privacy laws.
	Communication is the key. Listening, offering support and encouragement, showing your faith and pride in their abilities, and helping your student learn to make their own choices, including mistakes, will keep your student talking with you about their changing life.

Special Issues for Commuting Students:

They may feel less connected to campus and the community than those that live on campus. Encourage extracurricular involvement.
They may have different issues around independence since they may be treated differently on campus than they were in high school, but may be treated the same at home, which can cause some confusion or disagreements.
Communication with parents may be more difficult. Since you are “always” there you may not get “updates” like students who live away from home may give their families when they talk less frequently. Try spacing out your catch-up times so that it’s not the same question of “How was your day” with the same response every day.

What Can You Do For You?

Accept your feelings as appropriate, and allow yourself to grieve if you feel like it.

Add something new for you into your life – establish new or renew old friendships, find some hobbies, set some new goals for yourself… focus the extra time you have on yourself.

Find support for yourself. Your partner, friends, or others going through the same experience may be good resources.

Indulge yourself a bit – you deserve it! It’s time for you now.

Be proud of yourself for helping your son or daughter get to this exciting new place in their life. You’ve given them what they need to prepare for this next step.

How can the Counseling Center help parents?

We are available for consultation to parents by phone, by appointment or by email. We invite parents to call if they have any questions about how their son or daughter may obtain services at the Counseling Center. Detailed information about the Counseling Center Services may be found on the Counseling Center Page. We are also available for questions about how parents may assist their sons and daughters who may be struggling with a specific problem or if they are in need of specific services. As well, we can help parents secure referrals to services outside of the college for their sons and daughters.

We are not able to talk with parents in any way about their son's or daughter's participation in counseling without the student's written consent for release of information. Confidentiality is a very important part of the counseling relationship we establish with students. We adhere to the guidelines re: confidentiality in therapeutic services as mandated by the NC Laws, as well as those established by our certification and licensing boards.

We understand that parents often feel they should be able to know about what their son or daughter may be discussing in counseling, and that confidentiality requirements are often a source of frustration. We encourage parents who desire to know more about their particular student's counseling experience to talk with their son or daughter. On the whole, students tend to respond positively to open, honest communication. Though at times a student may choose to limit parental involvement, we find that the majority appreciate parental concern, acceptance, and guidance in the midst of the struggles they may face while at NCSU.