For Parents and Friends: How You Can Help
For families and friends, watching your loved one experience emotional, physical and other forms of abuse can be incredibly stressful. Adding to this, survivors often leave and return to relationships with an abusive partner over and over--often leading to alienation and burnout on the part of those who care for them.
It may help to understand that:
- Relationships with an abusive partner don't just work themselves out
- Your support and encouragement can be of enormous value
- You can ease the isolation and loss of control your loved one may feel by just listening
- Be patient--change can be slow.
How You can Help
- Listen without judgment. Ask about the situation and let them know that you really want to listen, then leave plenty of time to talk. Let them know that you are concerned about their safety, that they don't deserve to be treated this way, and that abuse is never acceptable. Support your loved one in making choices for them self, even if it is to stay in the relationship.
- Remind them of their strengths. By helping one recognize their skills, abilities and strengths, you will help your loved one see other options. Point out the strength they have shown by surviving in the relationship with abuse.
- Help them learn more about relationship violence. You can best help by knowing the facts about abuse. Refer them to this website, and other sources of help. Let them know they can call when they decide that they want help.
- Inform your friend/loved one aware that relationship violence can have serious consequences.
- Show concern, not blame. Say "I'm worried about you" rather than "Why don't you leave" or "I wouldn't put up with that."
- Take it seriously. Relationship violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual violence, assault with weapons and/or verbal abuse.
- It rarely occurs once and usually gets worse over time.
- Keep in touch. The abuser may isolate your loved one. By letting them know you care and are available, you provide a connection to the world and options for safety.
Warning Signs of Relationship Violence
- Your friend/loved one's partner uses an unusual amount of control over their activities, finances, the way they dress, and/or their contact with family and friends.
- Your friend/loved one has unexplained bruises or frequent "accidents," which cause them to miss school or work, or give inconsistent explanations.
- Your friend/loved one's partner makes fun of and/or puts them down in public.
- Your friend/loved one appears frightened, exhausted, or on edge.
- Your friend/loved one's children seem easily upset or are experiencing sudden problems in school.
If Your Loved One Isn’t Ready to Leave
Leaving a situation with an abusive partner is difficult for many reasons. Don't expect your loved one to leave immediately. They may even return to the abuser. Survivors leave their abusers an average of 7-11 times before ending the relationship permanently. It is important for you to support them through the entire process, though you may be frustrated, worried, and want them to get out of the situation right now.
Five things to say to a survivor when they aren’t ready to leave:
- I am here for you and will support you, no matter what.
- I am afraid for your safety.
- I am afraid for the safety of your children.
- It will only get worse.
- You don't deserve to be abused.
Remember that your loved one knows what is best for them. They must live with the decisions they make. They have been living in this situation and must determine the risk. It is often the most dangerous for the survivors when they attempt to leave or has left the abuser, as this is when they have regained control over their lives. Your loved one should plan for their safety carefully, and it may take a great deal of time and several attempts to actually leave. Support your loved one in making their own decisions.
Thanks to the UVA Women's Place & the University of South Carolina’s Office for Sexual Health & Violence Prevention for permission to use parts of their website material.
